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To Kill a Demon


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Hello all! This thread is for a Zelda fan fiction I started writing in the spring of this year. The setting and story is based on the first Zelda game, so it's going to be different than what you've probably read before, but I hope you will find it interesting.

 


Awakening

 

The harsh light stung as his eyelids creaked open. The brilliant light slowly dimmed, revealing a view of a clouded sky. His head felt heavy and his body felt weak. Slowly, he let his head fall to the side and saw that he was lying in the middle of a dirt path with thick forests on either side. Debris from a destroyed wagon littered the ground around him. The man knew that something bad had happened to him and that he needed to flee as soon as possible before whatever it was that did this returned. He struggled to lift his head and body to sit up. To his horror, his green tunic was stained with dried darkened blood. He quickly felt around his torso for a wound, but quickly realized that the wound was from a blow to his head when he felt the dried blood clinging to his blinking eyes.

 

As he regained his composure, he heard a distant roar echo through the trees. The man hushed his breath and listened. The soft noise of the wind passing through the verdant landscape filled his ears with nary a sound of life beyond the odd cry of a bird. The source of the roar seemed to be far off, but still too close for comfort. The man eased himself to his feet and took a step only to realize that his ankle was sprained, making walking a painful affair. To his advantage, his tough brown leather boots served as a brace for his worn ankle.

 

He carefully stepped down the road, not sure of where he was headed. He only knew that he had to put some distance between the wreckage of the wagon and himself if he wanted to live. Again, the roar reverberated through the woods, only louder than before. The man instinctively reached for the sword on his back, but realized that he was divested of his sword and even his shield. He frantically felt around his tunic and his belt for anything to use as a weapon, but found nothing but emptied pouches on his belt. Sensing that his situation had become desperately grim, he began moving faster, ungracefully limping along the trail. The roar blasted through the trees even louder. He knew that staying on the road at this point would be the end of him and turned off the trail and into the trees, hoping to evade detection, should the source of the roar draw near.

 

The man grunted with every step as he endured the sharp and painful sensation that ailed his ankle. The forest underbrush thickened as he hobbled along, threatening to trip him as the ferns and weeds snagged his feet. Suddenly, a thunderous roar shattered the uneasy murmur of the forest. The man fearfully looked back in the direction of the noise, but could barely see what might had been there, for he tripped on an unearthed branch and fell to the ground. He scrambled to recover, but stopped himself short as a peculiar sound caught his ear. It was difficult to distinguish from the blowing wind, but the sound vibrated on the leaves. It was a rhythmic growl that sent a chill down his spine.

 

He raced to his feet and started again. The low growl continued to fluctuate, almost in timing with his heart beat. His sharp breathing added to the cacophony as his foot falls provided the percussive beat. At once, the orchestra was abruptly interrupted by an incredible boom that shook the earth, nearly throwing the man to the ground. Whatever it was drew ever near. He picked up the pace of his limp, desperate to escape. If the source of the noise caught up to him, he would not survive.

 

The eyes of the man managed to spy what appeared to be a distant structure in the midst of overgrowth. As he steadily approached, he made out a wooden building surrounded and nearly concealed by overgrowth. At last, he had found hope for survival. He limped to the doorsteps and tried to open the door, but it was jammed as if something barred the other side. The low growl grew louder and severer. The green-clad man frantically pushed against the door, hoping to jar it loose. The sinister sound grew louder still until he could hear the sound of breaking brush. He gave the door a fierce push and it gave way at last. He stumbled into the structure and fell to the floor. As he looked up, he heard the door quietly shut behind him. He sat up and turned around to see an old man with a long white bear, wearing large orange robes, standing in front of the closed door.

 

The old man placed one finger over his lips, signaling to the man not to speak. The man remained on the floor as he watched the old man move with a tired yet graceful gait through the cozy abode, extinguishing every lamp and candle and leaving only the dim gray light that poured through the window shutters to light the house. The old man at last took a seat on a chair and invited the man to sit in an unoccupied chair near him.

 

A regular boom filled the silence of the house, as did the growling. The man ached, yet his body remained painfully tense as the moments passed. He could hear the sounds of the trees shaking and snapping nearby. The predatory growl turned into a frustrated tone as the source moved through the area. Suddenly, the entire house shook as a roar saturated the air, followed by a crashing noise. As the sounds echoed off into the woods, the relative silence of the forest returned.

 

The man let out a relieved sigh as the danger passed. The old man stood up once more and the candles and lamps in the dwelling reignited on their own. The elder stood in front of the man and examined him carefully, noting the tears in his dirty green tunic and the dried blood that led to a coagulated wound on his forehead, slightly covered by his wet, matted brown bangs. The man unconsciously withheld his breath, uncomfortable with the idea of breaking the silence of the moment. After a moment, the old man turned from the man and to a nearby wooden table, picked up a cloth, and the moved to a wooden pail of water to soak the cloth. He brought the cloth to the man's face and scrubbed away the blood and cleaned the wound on his head. The old man set aside the blood-soaked rag and took hold of the man's face, forcing open one of his eyelids. The man reflexively reeled away, but the old man hushed him with a slight whisper as if to say that he posed him no harm. The old man peered into the man's eyes, noting every feature of his icy blue iris. His curiosity satisfied, the elder let go of the man's face and grabbed the bloodied rag from the table, taking it to a hook to hang it. The old man then turned again to the man.

 

"Forgive my intrusiveness, I'm sure you understand," the old man said as he took a seat in his chair. "It has been quite a while since I have seen anyone."

 

Perplexed, the man asked, "I'm not sure I get your meaning."

 

The old man raised one of his white, bushy eyebrows. "Just where did you come from, lad?"

 

"I'm not sure," he said as he held his head, "I know I'm not from this place, but I can't quite recall where I came from or why I'm here."

 

The old man's weathered eyes narrowed at the sight of the man holding his battered head. "I see, you suffered a disorienting blow to the head."

 

"I'm not certain, but when I awoke earlier, I was lying on the road in this state amongst the wreckage of a wagon, with all of my belongings taken away."

 

"It must have been one of the bands of thieves. You are very fortunate to have survived such an encounter."

 

"If I may ask," the man began, "Why did you look into my eye in such a manner as earlier?"

 

"Shapeshifters," the old man plainly stated. "They are hideous creatures that masquerade as decent Hylians. Their one tell is the unnatural color and shape of their eyes."

 

"Why didn't you just tell me what you were doing?"

 

"If you were indeed a Shapeshifter, the very sound of my voice would have alerted your cohorts." The old man shifted slightly in his seat. "As for why I kept you silent, it was so that the creature stalking you did not return." The elder suddenly took notice of the way the man sat with one of his legs stretched out. "Is your leg well?"

 

"I am afraid not. It was injured when I awoke."

 

The old man stood up and walked to the man. He held out his hand. "Let me help you to a bed. You need to rest."

 

"But I do not want to intrude on your abode," the man spoke as he began to stand. He lost balance as soon as he left the chair, but the old man caught his hand and steadied him.

 

"Young man, you will die far before your time if you do not take this chance to heal."

 

The man reluctantly nodded in agreement as he followed the old man's lead to the bed and lied down. "Sage, what is your name?"

 

"Call me Aldwyn. And what do you call yourself, brave sir?"

 

"I am Link."

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3 hours ago, Sir Grim Locksmith VIII said:

Very nice so far, though I'm a bit worried about how the overall story will play out. If this is indeed based off of first Zelda game, then it runs the risk of regressing to an overly descriptive playthrough. I just want you keep that in mind as you write.

You don't have to worry about that then. When I say "based on the first Zelda," I mean just that. It takes place in the world of Zelda 1, but it will be an entirely different type of story than you'd expect. There will be things that are familiar, but don't expect Zelda 1 in written form.

 

And thank you very much for reading and for your feedback!

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I liked it overall. You used quite a bit of filler words. Other recommendation I would make is try for different variations of "the man." I mean. We all know it's Link, you don't need to be so coy. I understand your hesitance with calling him such in the beginning because of the reveal at the end, but I honestly thought it was distracting. 

 

Perplexed, the man asked, "I'm not sure I get your meaning."

 

There's most definitely a better way to write this. Have dialogue tell the reader the character is confused instead of stating he is (it kind of already does).

 

Again, I enjoyed it. I will read more :)

 

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1 minute ago, LUIGITORNADO said:

I liked it overall. You used quite a bit of filler words. Other recommendation I would make is try for different variations of "the man." I mean. We all know it's Link, you don't need to be so coy. I understand your hesitance with calling him such in the beginning because of the reveal at the end, but I honestly thought it was distracting. 

 

Perplexed, the man asked, "I'm not sure I get your meaning."

 

There's most definitely a better way to write this. Have dialogue tell the reader the character is confused instead of stating he is (it kind of already does).

 

Again, I enjoyed it. I will read more :)

 

Thanks! I recognize how clunky the way I handled addressing the two characters was. Someday, I'll rework it for better effect. And I know that you know it's Link, but I like to write as if the average reader doesn't know. Basically, I want to avoid assuming what people know when they may have no clue. I've felt that way with other stories I've read.

 

I appreciate the feedback. That's exactly what I want, to know how I can improve. Next chapter (it's already finished) will avoid the problem you mentioned, so I hope it's an easier read overall.

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Silence

 

Link rolled in the bed to his side and opened his eyes to see the house vacant. Golden rays of light cut through the dusty air from the opened shutters; it was morning. Shaking off sleep, Link sat up from the bed and again scanned the house for the old man, but found it empty. He looked to the table by the wall opposite the door and found a note laying amongst a myriad of dried herbs and jars filled with various goods. Link stood, but faltered when he went to his feet and fell back to the bed. He noticed that his boots were removed and his right ankle was red and swollen. It would be a while before he would be able to move on his own again. He felt around his head for the wound and found a cloth tied down to the injury. Aldwyn must have tended to his injuries after he slept.

 

After taking a moment to gather himself, he stood again, bracing against the rugged table near his bed for support. He eased his way to the note on the table and examined it. It was a neatly transcribed list of items; nothing on it noted Aldwyn's absence. Link hoped that the elder had not been taken by the creature that stalked him before. He couldn't imagine a man as advanced in age as Aldwyn outrunning something like that when he himself barely did. Either way, Link had to see for himself where he was and if he was alive.

 

He need something to walk with if he was going to get far. Link located a long wooden staff near the door, just what he needed. Carefully, he hopped across the space and landed against the wall where the staff rested. Though a little lengthy, it would be enough to provide him support. Link then moved to the door and pulled it open. The bright yellow sun's light saturated the forest canopy and pierced down to the shrubbery below, warming the cool morning air. There was a soft white mist that moved through the forest floor. Aldwyn sat on a nearby tree stump, carefully examining various berries in a knapsack that sat at his feet. Water in a metal pot suspended above a small fire boiled fiercely.

 

Aldwyn looked over to Link. "I see that you have had your share of sleep." He turned his attention again to examining berries.

 

Link eased his way down from the doorsteps to the ground and began making his way to the old man. "How long was I sleeping?"

 

"Not as long as I had expected for one in your condition. Only since the previous day's afternoon." Aldwyn motioned to a tree stump near the campfire. "Please, sit down."

 

Link nodded and moved to take a seat on the stump.

 

"I see that you have found my staff." Aldwyn noted as he began placing berries on a wooden tray that lay on the grass beside his stump.

 

Link glanced at the staff and then to Aldwyn, worried that he may have transgressed. "I apologize if you did not want me using the staff in this manner. I did not find you when I awoke and wanted to investigate."

 

"It's quite fine, lad. I should apologize for not leaving you notice. At dawn of every morning, I make it a habit of walking the forest and gathering berries and herbs. As I mentioned before, it has been a while since I have had any visitors." Aldwyn lightly shook the tray of berries and placed the tray on the ground again, picking more berries from the sack. "How do you feel?"

 

"My head feels much better than before, but I can't say the same for my ankle," Link said as he gently rubbed his ankle.

 

Aldwyn continued his berry selection in silence. Link watched him meticulously examine each of the red berries he took from the knapsack, placing some onto the tray and others into a clay bowl. Based on the jars on the table inside of the house, Link suspected that Aldwyn might be preparing some sort of jam. He wanted to ask, but the willful silence on Aldwyn's part made him uneasy at the idea of breaking that silence. Rather than asking, he opted to observe the sage's activity. After Aldwyn filled the tray with berries, he raised the tray over the boiling pot of water and carefully dropped them in. He then took a satchel from his waist and emptied a portion of its contents into his free hand, and then sprinkled the white powdery substance into the pot. Aldwyn reached for a large wooden ladle and began gently stirring the pot.

 

"You should embrace quiet moments like this. In this world, they don't come often," the elder spoke as he continued to stir.

 

"What do you mean, sage?"

 

"Surely after yesterday's excitement, you should understand. Since the advent of the Demon King's Thrall, Hyrule has, at best, developed an uneasy relationship with silence." Aldwyn ceased stirring and sat down on his stump. "Day in and day out, monsters and demons of all kinds are heard, their voices echoing through the air. When their cries are not heard, one's mind is filled with horrific possibilities of when they will next appear and if whether or not one has already fallen into a demon's trap." He reached in the knapsack of berries and started taking handfuls of berries out to place in the bowl. "Tell me, do you recall anything now that you have had a night of rest?"

 

Link gave a slight nod. "Yes, I remember that I was riding a wagon when I was accosted by strange creatures riding on large boars. I tried to have my horses outrun them, but they had a trap set on the road that smashed my wagon to pieces and killed my horses. I managed to recover, but the fall from the wagon injured my ankle and made it difficult for me to run. That was when one of the creatures struck me over the head." He let his gaze fall to the ground. "The next I remember, I was waking up from the ground."

 

"Just as I suspected, thieves," Aldwyn noted.

 

Link looked up, confused. "Those creatures were thieves?"

 

"My friend, just because they look like monsters does not mean they are without sentience. Some of these demons are as clever as any scholar and have just as many wants as the lowliest beggar." Aldwin picked up the wooden bowl and a stone mortar and started mashing the berries. "On your travels, I advise you to never underestimate a demon. Do not trust every Hylian you meet either, for that matter."

 

"Is that because of the Shapeshifters?"

 

"Yes…" Aldwyn paused as he placed the mortar down. "But also because not every Hylian you meet is necessarily your friend." He grabbed a small glass jar and sat it on the stump next to him. He took the bowl of mashed berries and began scraping them into the container. "You will come to find that there are some that revel in this chaotic time and would sooner see you dead than the Demon King deposed."

 

"Why has no one tried to defeat the Demon King?"

 

"Believe me, lad, plenty of stories have made their rounds of the knights of Hyrule bravely fighting against the Demon King, but every account has them utterly defeated." Aldwyn placed a seal over the jar and stood to tend to the boiling pot. He resumed mixing the concoction. "There have also been stories of bands of warriors taking him on, yet even their adventures ended in failure. In some cases, the Demon King's Thrall have made horrifying examples out of these men, displaying their tattered corpses in town centers and roadsides for all to see."

 

Link's hands unconsciously tightened as he took in the details of Aldwyn's account. "How is it that there are Hylians that are unmoved by such malice? Why would anyone join in league with these demons to advance the Demon King's horrors?"

 

"A frightening mix of cowardice, greed, and debased character." Aldwyn gently waved his hand over the pot and the fire beneath it extinguished with a puff of smoke. He looked up directly to Link. "Where exactly did you say you were from?"

 

Link went to speak, but could not find an answer. "I…um…I don't know, honestly. I know I'm Hylian, but I can't seem to recall from where I hail."

 

"And you have no experience or memory of anything I have told you?"

 

Link shook his head. "I can't explain it, but I feel somewhere within my heart that I have always known these things, yet, I have no memory of them."

 

Aldwyn briefly looked Link over. "Hmmm… It seems that your lack of memory is more than the momentary effect of a cudgel."

 

"If I may ask," Link started, "What are you making?"

 

"I'm making two things currently: one is a jam and the other is a potion, both made from coccin berries. The jam will go with our bread for breakfast." Aldwyn turned and started towards the house. "As for the potion, that will be for you."


 

Aldwyn and Link sat in the relative silence of the morning air as they ate their meal, a hard piece of flat bread with the coccin berry jam spread on top. The meal was a welcome gift from the elder, as it had been longer than Link could remember since he had eaten a meal. Aldwin took bites of his bread in between inspecting a tray of dried herbs and reading from a scroll. While Link didn't know for sure, he suspected that those herbs had something to do with the potion he claimed to be making for him. When he asked Aldwyn earlier about what the potion was going to do for him, Aldwyn only said that it would rejuvenate his body.

 

"Link," Aldwyn started, "After you have left this place, where will you go?"

 

Link paused a moment to think. His eyes fixed on a blade of grass between his bare feet. "I'm not really sure. To be honest, I don't even remember where I was headed before the attack." Link continued to watch the piece of grass dance in the soft breeze of the morning. "What you said, about the Demon King's reign of terror… I want to do something to help," Link said, looking up to Aldwyn.

 

Aldwyn met Link's gaze and searched his eyes. He then gave a slight smirk through his white beard and mustache. "In time, I believe you will do great good." He took one last bite of his breakfast and consumed it. "But for now, your challenge is to rest."


 

After a day of watching Aldwyn prepare his potion and perform various housekeeping tasks, night had come and Link rested in his bed, watching Aldwyn read scrolls in candlelight. Link puzzled through how it was that someone could live alone in such a remote location as this. He wondered if Aldwyn ever grew lonely from such isolation. Link couldn't imagine himself living nearly every day without the company of another or the comfort of knowing that others lived nearby. Most of all, he couldn't imagine the perpetual silence that would come from such isolation. Even now, silently watching Aldwyn read inspired a feeling of nervousness. He felt a natural need to fill the silence with something, but held himself back out of reverence for the sage's tastes.

 

Aldwyn suddenly placed the scroll on the table and that very instant, the flames on all the candles died, leaving the house in darkness.

 

Link was alarmed. "Aldwyn, what is –?"

 

Aldwyn shushed Link with a quick sound. Link remained silent and listened for what was the cause of Aldwyn's discomfort. It was faint, but Link heard low murmurs seep through the shutters. He couldn't tell what kind of creature it was or how large. The sound emanated at irregular intervals and became increasingly dissonant as it grew louder. Link felt his hair standing as the sounds continued. There was an uncanny sense of humanity to the utterance, as if it was someone moaning in agony. As the sound continued, Link wondered if Aldwyn faced this situation every night. How could he endure night after night of hiding from these demons?

 

As Link's eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could make out the faint silhouette of Aldwyn sitting in his chair, not moving even the smallest part of his body. Link followed his example, lying as still as possible to avoid making a sound. The warped groans vibrated through the air as the source drew closer. Link grew tense as the dissonance continued, preparing for the worst. Just then, a thump bounced through the front wall of the house; then another at a different point on the front wall. Soon after, something started scratching the door slowly. It was at least three of them and they knew that someone was here. Link looked to Aldwyn and noticed that he had not changed his posture. He seemed intent on waiting it out.

The bumping and clawing continued to disturb the air. As the moments grew longer, so did Link's worry. If sounds attracted these creatures, then what if more creatures were drawn by the noise they made? At once, Aldwyn stood from his chair and made his way to the door.

 

Link sat up, taken aback by Aldwyn's sudden action. "You aren't going outside, are you?"

 

Aldwyn unbarred the door, forced it open, and stepped through the threshold. The moaning turned into disturbed gurgling in reaction to Aldwyn's sudden appearance. A bright orange light flashed from outside, followed by the rushing sound of flickering flames. Link moved down the bed to the window shutter and opened one to see what was happening. Aldwyn stood atop the doorsteps, watching the burning figures writhe in pain. The bright flames obscured their forms, but it was clear that they looked as vaguely human as their moaning suggested. As the moments passed the creatures collapsed to the ground and ceased moving. Aldwyn turned from the outside and returned to the house, barring the door behind him. Link closed the shutter and sat down on the bed, watching Aldwyn sit again. A single candle lit in front of him.

 

"As you can see," he said softly, between heavy breathing, "The night reveals many dangers that the day hides."

 

"Did you do that to those creatures?" Link asked, awestruck at what he saw.

 

"Yes, that was my doing," Aldwyn answered as his breath became steady. "Using a small amount of my power, I can do things like light and extinguish candles and campfires. However, it takes an enormous toll on my body to conjure enough flame to burn these creatures." Aldwyn paused to sip water from his leather canteen. "With my advanced age, I cannot use this ability in this manner as much as I could be for. It is why I have allowed the trees and brush to overtake my house, hiding it from most creatures and demons and why I have become an acquaintance to silence in my time living in these woods."

 

"Why don't you move to a town? Wouldn't that be safer than being alone?"

 

"Once upon a time, that would have been true, but not anymore. In truth, it is much safer to live in the relative solitude of the forest than to live in any town in Hyrule, where either demons have free domain over the populace at worst or bands of warriors extort towns for rupees in return for protection at best" Aldwyn's gaze seemed to be distant. "Besides, I no longer have the courage to live amongst others. I would rather live out the remainder of my days in as much peace as this world will allow me." He turned to Link. "In a way, I am no better than Hylians that serve the wiles of the Demon King. For all of my talk, I have done nothing to end this nightmare."

 

Link saw a hint of pain in Aldwyn's weary eyes. A feeling of pity washed over Link as he took in Aldwyn's confession.

 

Aldwyn stood from his chair and went to his bed. "I think we ought to retire for the night, lest we draw more of them near us," he concluded as the candle's light died.

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1 So I know I introduced you to filler words, and that you're painfully aware of them…like I am, but I'd like to give you an example of how easy most are to fix. "...and opened his eyes to see the house vacant." Changed to. "…and opened his eyes. The house was vacant."

2.     "…and again scanned the house for the old man." I think this line is a little redundant because you already established the house was empty. Are you trying to let the reader know Link is looking for Aldwyn? You could do this by having Link say, "Is anyone there?"

3.     I'm a little confused why Link needs to stand to notice his ankle is still messed up. Is it not painful?

4.     Why would Aldwyn treat his head, but not his ankle?

5.     I like that you have Link being resourceful when trying to walk, but again there is no mention of pain.

6.     "Water in a metal pot suspended above a small fire boiled fiercely." Great imagery.

7.     Why did Link want to ask Aldwyn if he was making a jam? What use does Link have for jam? (I'm asking because there is a detail you could add to give Link more character.)

8.     You're dialog is well done. I hear Link's and Aldwyn's voices clearly.

9.     Link sure is a polite. Definitely not a smash potting loon.

10.  Yeah. So Link is definitely feeling something in his ankle. Must be tender as fuck.

11.  This is a nitpick. So I was a little lost when Aldwyn was preparing his "jam." I think it's all the direction with his hands, it's very wordy. I wonder if you can't say, "…took a satchel from his waste and sprinkled its powdery contents into the pot." Then again, doing that you lose that imagery of Aldwyn being very particular and careful.

12.  Does Link call Aldwyn "sage" as a sign of respect, or is it because he doesn't remember his name? Just curious.

13.  I really like the subtle world building (even if I'm familiar with the Zelda universe) through Aldwyn's dialogue. Great stuff.

14.  "Large boars." That might aptly describe those creatures for us, but I think you said you are writing this for the non-Zelda fans. How large are these boars? Is there anything else particularly noteworthy about them?

15.  Again. Nicley done having Aldwyn round out these "demons."

16.  Hmmmm…Link mentioning Shapeshifters seems to be foreshadowing. I wonder how much he actually remembers? He seems clueless when it comes to demons though.

17.  What a funny old man. I like that he was actually making jam.

18.  "…as it had been longer than Link could remember since he had eaten a meal." This might be a good sentence you could say in fewer words."

19.  "…Link said, looking up to Aldwyn." I'm not sure about the order of events in this paragraph. Specifically the sentence where Link "continues to look…" at the piece of grass. It's another example of filler words. What you could do is replace "continued…" sentence with "Link raised his eyes," and then cut out the entire dialogue tag at the end because it's redundant.

20.  "Aldwyn met Link's gaze and searched his eyes." This confused me. I don't know how this looks like from Link's perspective.

21.  "Link puzzled….remote location as this." This sentence read a little awkwardly.

22.  For a guy who spends most of his days in silence, it's ironic that your variation is bothered by it. Lol This isn't a critique. I just thought it was funny.

23.   "Link felt his hair…" ---> "Link's hair stood…"

24.  I like the scene with the noise, but I think what would make it more tense is Link making the comparison to moaning earlier rather than later.

25.  Aldwyn ignoring Link like a boss.

26.  This is just a nitpick. I found it a bit clinical the way Aldwyn describes his magic. Talky like. He's been mostly mysterious up until now, so it was a bit jarring to have him describe his magical power.

 

Your writing is ver spiffy. I'm not the best when looking for grammatical or spelling mistakes, and I'll admit I was more looking at the content of your writing. Great job though. 

 

I'm eager to see Link sent on his way.

Edited by LUIGITORNADO
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New chapter, just as Luigitornado said, is a bit easier to read. Really liked the world-building as well despite it being exposition; it's a necessary evil, and for what it's worth, it was well written. 

 

However, I do have a problem with your writing and that has to do with dialogue and emotion, as it can be a bit too formal at times. While it works for someone as wise and calm as Aldwyn, it kind of doesn't work with someone like Link, especially considering that you imply he's in a lot of pain. He just feels waay too nonchalant about the whole ordeal.

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20 hours ago, LUIGITORNADO said:

3.     I'm a little confused why Link needs to stand to notice his ankle is still messed up. Is it not painful?

This is probably down to personal experience, since when I've had an injury like this, I usually only noticed it when I started using the part of my body that was injured, especially in the case of a sprain.

4.     Why would Aldwyn treat his head, but not his ankle?

Treating an open wound is easier than healing a wounded joint, but regardless, the story will get to that. :P

5.     I like that you have Link being resourceful when trying to walk, but again there is no mention of pain.

I didn't want to make a mention of his injury too often. I assumed that once earlier was enough to remind a reader of it.

7.     Why did Link want to ask Aldwyn if he was making a jam? What use does Link have for jam? (I'm asking because there is a detail you could add to give Link more character.)

The main purpose of that moment was to draw attention to the "pregnant silence" between them. I see what you mean, however.

9.     Link sure is a polite. Definitely not a smash potting loon.

Yes, but I would also advise that you throw out what you have in your head about Link's personality in the games. This isn't going to be a typical depiction of Link.

11.  This is a nitpick. So I was a little lost when Aldwyn was preparing his "jam." I think it's all the direction with his hands, it's very wordy. I wonder if you can't say, "…took a satchel from his waste and sprinkled its powdery contents into the pot." Then again, doing that you lose that imagery of Aldwyn being very particular and careful.

Understandable.

12.  Does Link call Aldwyn "sage" as a sign of respect, or is it because he doesn't remember his name? Just curious.

In this case, it's meant to be interchangeable with "mister." I had him use the term to show that Link feels he must be respectful to someone like him.

14.  "Large boars." That might aptly describe those creatures for us, but I think you said you are writing this for the non-Zelda fans. How large are these boars? Is there anything else particularly noteworthy about them?

Fair point. Since the boars weren't the subject of Link's tale, I didn't want to give too much attention to them, especially since they wouldn't necessarily be a strange sight to Link. I will watch out for this in the future though! :)

18.  "…as it had been longer than Link could remember since he had eaten a meal." This might be a good sentence you could say in fewer words."

Noted.

19.  "…Link said, looking up to Aldwyn." I'm not sure about the order of events in this paragraph. Specifically the sentence where Link "continues to look…" at the piece of grass. It's another example of filler words. What you could do is replace "continued…" sentence with "Link raised his eyes," and then cut out the entire dialogue tag at the end because it's redundant.

Nice catch. Word precision matters!

20.  "Aldwyn met Link's gaze and searched his eyes." This confused me. I don't know how this looks like from Link's perspective.

It could have been worded better. The idea was for Aldwyn to look into Link's eyes as if he were seeing more than just his eyes.

21.  "Link puzzled….remote location as this." This sentence read a little awkwardly.

I can see that. Noted.

22.  For a guy who spends most of his days in silence, it's ironic that your variation is bothered by it. Lol This isn't a critique. I just thought it was funny.

Didn't think of that angle lol.

23.   "Link felt his hair…" ---> "Link's hair stood…"

Filters...

24.  I like the scene with the noise, but I think what would make it more tense is Link making the comparison to moaning earlier rather than later.

The aim there was for him to gradually make the link in his mind, since the noise was initially too faint.

26.  This is just a nitpick. I found it a bit clinical the way Aldwyn describes his magic. Talky like. He's been mostly mysterious up until now, so it was a bit jarring to have him describe his magical power.

After examining it, the exchange is more frank than it could have been.

 

Your writing is ver spiffy. I'm not the best when looking for grammatical or spelling mistakes, and I'll admit I was more looking at the content of your writing. Great job though. 

 

I'm eager to see Link sent on his way.

Thanks a lot for your pretty in-depth critique. This is exactly what I want. It's nice to know what I'm doing right, but I also like knowing what I need to improve on to make it better. I caught a few technical errors myself since re-reading it, but that's what happens when you run through a single draft before posting! Again, thanks a lot!

 

10 hours ago, Sir Grim Locksmith VIII said:

New chapter, just as Luigitornado said, is a bit easier to read. Really liked the world-building as well despite it being exposition; it's a necessary evil, and for what it's worth, it was well written. 

Thanks. I'm glad that it was easy to digest, which is why I decided structure the cooking sequence the way I did so that it'd be more interesting to read than just seeing two characters devolve into talking heads.

 

However, I do have a problem with your writing and that has to do with dialogue and emotion, as it can be a bit too formal at times. While it works for someone as wise and calm as Aldwyn, it kind of doesn't work with someone like Link, especially considering that you imply he's in a lot of pain. He just feels waay too nonchalant about the whole ordeal.

I admit that part of that is just my writing voice (it was even more steely a few years ago when I was more active on NS2), but the feeling of formality is intentional here. Link's personality will (I hope) become more apparent to you as things move along, but as I said to LT, don't carry too many ideas about who Link is into this story, since it probably won't match up 1:1.

 

Once again, thanks a lot for reading and for your help! I hope to have the next chapter posted no later than next week, but I'm aiming for the weekend.

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